|
[03|14|05 @ 01 PM] |
|
my newly formed diary for writings and such. add if you wish.
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) starsinlove
|
|
|
| friends only |
[11|26|04 @ 12 PM] |
this diary is now friend's only.
comment and you may be added.
xox;
|
|
|
| date me. |
[11|26|04 @ 11 AM] |
|
almost twelve noon with me. i'm tired. i'm restless. yet i can't sleep. in fact, i haven't a night's sleep since last sunday. and tonight i'm on a date with cathal to the cinema. actually, this is my first time going to the cinema with a boy since paddy... which was january. and so of course, i'm getting nervous.
i'm wearing new topshop jeans that i bought. they're sexy jeans and i shall wear my boots. not sure what top to wear. and to top it all off i'm having a massive fat day. these jeans sit nice(ish) on my ass but on my stomach...? gah, i don't know. i'm just not going to eat today so it will save feeling/being bloated for tonight.
sigh. negative thoughts are constantly setting in these days. my head is telling me i need to be thinner again and i am, of course, listening.
|
|
|
| silent cries |
[11|25|04 @ 03 PM] |
|
it's times like now when i hurt the most, when mum has spent a week at home and then leaves to go into the 'mental' hospital until next monday. caring for mum every day; her mood swings changing every hour; her refusals to eat and to get dressed and washed. the emotional and physical abuse i take from her (unintentional of course). i miss her. i miss my old mum before the ms. you daren't speak to her unless she starts the conversation. her brain is like a ticking clock; you never know when it's going to go off. she is spending all her time in her wheelchair now (except in the downstairs of the house where handrails have been fitted) but she is still attemping to run away at least once a day. we found her the other night a few minutes from our home lying on the ground: she had fallen while trying to throw herself in the lake to end the pain she is causing everyone. she is constantly (yet feebly) attempting suicide.
i no longer think of her as my mother and that breaks my heart in two.
and if this is what it's like for me as her nineteen year old daughter carer: emotional stress, breakdowns and constant tears; i can't think what it must be like for mum her mum.
|
|
|
| pass sleep this way, s'il vous plait. |
[11|24|04 @ 10 PM] |
|
just home from work, almost 11pm avec moi, working 7:00am in the morning also. haven't had a winks sleep since last sunday night so the effects of that are starting to finally hit me.
i'm a bitch to my mother. period. without the intention of course, but that doesn't make it alright. her immaturity; her childness really hurts me and in return i'm nasty to her. i don't mean to be but it just gets so hard to watch my mother gradually fade like a cabbage. i can't handle it; i'm not strong enough. also, there is no point in even trying to have a civilized conversation with her; i get more normal words coming from my three year old nephew.
things with cathal: moving rather slowly, but surely. he works at two jobs so it's hard to get time to meet. when he isn't working, i am. and vise versa. we are however, meeting this weekend; we are going to the cinema, yay! :) we have so much in common it's unreal. he has his own video productions company and is also into photography; just like me. ah i don't know, i feel myself liking him so much because of the person he is. even if he is soon to be twenty six and i'm only soon to be twenty... :p
i could talk about the eating disordered part of celine but it's being silent at the minute so i should leave things be as they are. i did however, have my first [proper] dinner today in over two weeks - horray for me. [note scarcam].
|
|
|
| take two... |
[11|23|04 @ 02 PM] |
|
apologies the last entry didn't work... this should work ok now:
rach, this one's for you munchkin; i know how you have a crazy obsession with buffy and angel... :p (pencils used)
beauty. (charcoals and chalks)
elijah woods. (chalks and watercolours mostly)
elegant modesty. (charcoals and chalks)
uma thurman. (pencils used)
o and yay, annetta flanigan and her two work collegues have been released from afghanistan; her family and annetta come from my hometown, they live six miles from me. the atmosphere here has been quite terrible lately but things are definitely better. i'm glad she got released. :)
anyway, can't be arsed updating so i'll do that maybe later. i promise! xox;
|
|
|
| just because i'm lazy... |
[11|22|04 @ 12 PM] |
|
just because i'm lazy and can't be arsed to update properly, i shall link to some of my newer artwork... i may perhaps update tomorrow; but only if i can be arsed. :p
rach, this one's for you munchkin; i know how you have a crazy obsession with buffy and angel... :p (pencils used)
beauty. (charcoals and chalks)
elijah woods. (chalks and watercolours mostly)
elegant modesty. (charcoals and chalks)
uma thurman. (pencils used)
gosh i am getting so lazy. :p especially when i could be talking about cathal and my undying love for him. nah, i'm exaggerating a little there hehe. i may update tomorrow. thinking of you all. xox;
|
|
|
|
[11|14|04 @ 11 AM] |
|
i've no time to update on anything and have no idea when i'll be able to get online again because i'm working all week. just to be brief: i went out last night, met a nice boy called cathal (although he's twenty five :p) and i'm seeing him again. hope you are all well, i'm thinking of you all, as always. xx
|
|
|
| stupid |
[11|11|04 @ 10 AM] |
|
caitriona found the notepad version of my last diary entry; she is now onto me. i tried giving the excuse that i copied and pasted it from a mates diary i had just been to because i was worried about her, and that i was showing it to someone else but i'm unsure if she believed me. sigh. i'm so fucking stupid. so she is now asking if i am "up to my old tricks", for me to reply "no, i don't do that stuff anymore". there was also the self-harm subject that was touched on in my last entry; something she never knew of before:having to show her my upper arms/legs (good job she didn't check my thighs...) and i am now having to eat (although this means my purging is back...) just to prove she can 'trust me'. i am so damn stupid.
|
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
